In the book, Every Man’s Battle, by Stephen
Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Arterburn writes in his foreword:
One of my favorite
stories is of a husband who came because his wife demanded it. After the conference
he confessed his affair. He was truly repentant and said he would do anything to
make it up to her. She asked him to sign over all the property and assets to
her – because the name on them wouldn’t matter if he was truly finished with
his lust and adultery. She asked him to shave his chest, and she asked him to
get braces on his teeth. He did all three because he realized his actions had
humiliated her and he was willing to do anything to humble himself and win back
her heart. I speak with them both regularly, and they are doing well (pg. xii).
Does GOD forgive like this? If
so, I am in serious trouble when I get to heaven. If
I even make it…
Before I begin to explain why I have such an issue
with this, let me start by saying, despite the respect I had for Arterburn in
the past, I can no longer respect his opinions and I cannot recommend this
book. I think his condoning of this kind of vindictiveness is just a
sample of what is wrong in the church and destroying what Christ taught about
forgiveness. I wonder if Arterburn would be so quick to applaud the man if he
had treated his wife this way?
When I was studying family counseling, a couple of the
therapist/instructors told of adultery within their own marriages. One case I
remember in particular, the wife had been having an affair. When the husband
found out, he described how hard it was to sleep in the same bed with her. He
said he felt like she was filthy and the thought of her touching him made him
physically sick. So why did he not sleep on the couch, or better still, kick
her out? He said because he was her husband, it was his job to cover her with
his love and protection, even after she had cheated. He said that is what Jesus
does for us and he had to be obedient to God’s Word and his marriage vows. I
wish Stephen Arterburn would talk to this man.
I think I see some tale-tale signs of why the man
cheated in the first place. While I am not an expert in the fields of
psychology or marital counseling, I have studied both, academically and
personally, thus I do have my own opinions. Decide for yourself if I present a
good argument or not.
The reason I say there may be signs of why he cheated,
let me present the results of a study I read a few years ago. In the survey,
when asked if the person they cheated with was smarter, more attractive, better
educated, etc., both men and women said the person they had the affair with did
not measure up to their spouse. When asked why they cheated, men said because
they felt their wives did not respect them, but the other woman did. Women
responded that they felt their husbands did not love them, but the other man did.
(Unfortunately, I have lost many of the papers I wrote, and this is one I
cannot locate).
As I stated in my paper (from memory), Paul instructed:
Wives, submit to your own
husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is head of the wife as Christ is head
of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to
Christ, so wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love
your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to make
her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to
present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything
like that, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands are to love their
wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever
hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the
church, since we are members of His body (Ephesians 5:22-30, HCSB).
He concludes, “This mystery is profound, but I am
talking about Christ and the church. To sum up, each one of you is to love his
wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband” (Ephesians
5:32-33, HCSB).
Again, Paul, in his letter to the Colossians, writes, “Wives,
be submissive to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your
wives and don’t be bitter toward them” (Colossians 3:18-19, HCSB).
According to the study I mentioned above, men
typically cheat because they do not feel respected by their wives. I think we
clearly see from the text that this wife had serious issues and I believe she
genuinely lacked respect for her husband. I would guess that the other woman
was everything this man’s wife was not. While I do not condone his actions, he
clearly demonstrates his love for his wife, his dedication to the marriage, and
his repentance for the affair. I would even go so far and challenge believers
to question if they demonstrate this kind of brokenness over their sins and
devotion to God, or not.
I think about the parable Jesus told of the two men
who went to the temple to pray. One a Pharisee, the other a tax collector. The
Pharisee was pompous and prideful, naming off all he did, even boasting how he
was so much better than the tax collector. The tax collector made no excuses,
not even looking up but beat his chest and confessed his sins. Jesus said the
tax collector was the one who left justified (Luke 18:13-14, HCSB).
I’m not saying that every cheating spouse should be
let off the hook. What I am saying is that we don’t know the details of why
someone strays in the first place but when the repentant sinner returns, do
they find grace and mercy?
Again, let’s return to the Scriptures one more time to
see how God demonstrates forgiveness. Jesus told about a man who had two sons.
The younger asked for his inheritance before his father was even dead. He took
his money and went away to live a life of sin. When the money was gone and he
found himself hungry, dirty, and cold, he returned a broken man, knowing he did
not deserve his father’s forgiveness. He would merely ask to be a servant
because they were treated better than he was with the life he had made for
himself. The father was already looking for him and saw him off in the
distance. He ran to meet this dirty, smelly, wretch of a man, and threw his
arms around him, kissing him and crying for joy. Was his brother glad to see
him? No, he sulked and would have sent him away. Knowing that this event had
broken his father’s heart, he had no compassion, not even for his father (Luke
15:11-32, HCSB).
Is adultery a sin? Yes! Does it hurt the jilted
spouse? Yes! Does it hurt children? Yes! Does it cause problems between the two
families? Yes! Does it break GOD’s heart? Yes! Is it forgivable? You
answer this one.
I hope this couple does not have children. Can you
imagine the problems they will have in their marriages?
“But if you don’t forgive people, your
Father will not forgive your wrongdoing” (Matthew 6:15, HCSB).
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